Today is my birthday. Henceforth...

Watching this video forces even the most optimistic souls to confront their own mortality. It makes you wonder where you'd like to be buried. Do I want to be turned into a pile of gold dust encased in glass at the Louis Vuitton Store? Or would I prefer to be in a Grants Tomb-like display inside the Gucci Store? Or do I desire cremation, with my ashes scattered betwixt the salsa bar at the Poquito Mas in Studio City. I shall choose the latter. Mild.

Should I quit writing and start a rental service for big booty hoes? Journalism is declining. Whereas there seems to be an illimitable demand for big booty ho birthday rentals? Presumably, it's better than having clowns or the guy who inscribes people's names on grains of rice at your party. Capitalism wins again.

Considered they've worked with the Kardashians, is it safe to say that Hansen's Cakes is the place to purchase the ass cakes made in the video? Asking for a friend.

Obsolete biblical dogma aside, my kitchen would be a far more appetizing place if it contained hams everywhere. Cured, it's a great late night snack.

What's the statute of limitations on a hair weave killer? Also asking for a friend.

Why does the Pakistani guy drinking the 40 dance so much better than me? Am I just drinking the wrong kind of malt liquor?

Where can I buy the Kanye West power glove? There's a thinkpiece waiting to be written about his pact with Nintendo.

What's wrong with going downstairs and falling asleep with the TV on? I did that last night. Of course, I don't have a downstairs and I was illegally streaming cable via my desktop, but whatever. That Pete Campbell is an inglorious rogue.

I would think Kanye would be able to afford more than the Westin. He seems more like a W Hotel elegant douche.

When will Bad Bitch Contests become an Olympic sport? How does one become a judge of a Bad Bitch Contest? Has there been a standardized criteria for winning said contests? And does this rules handbook need a writer? I know at least two.

2 Chainz may have everything figured out. His birthday even included pinatas. It's time for me to go get a pinata. Be back later.

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Revelations and Questions That Occur Upon…