Haley Potiker is The Professional

https://twitter.com/KylieJenner/status/730968693606207488

For a brief time yesterday, the American public was gripped by the news of Kylie Jenner's first DJ set, said to happen in Vegas later this month. Unfortunately, it was a mirage--not The Mirage, just a mirage. But we went ahead and imagined things as they might have been. It was all a dream, as it were.

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Where some underage celebrities might claim “DJ” in order to get around 21-and-over age restrictions for lucrative hosting gigs, Kylie Jenner is the real deal, the human embodiment of a cardboard dancefloor and shell-toed Adidas. On May 29th, she’ll be taking the Foxtail Nightclub at SLS in Las Vegas to the edge of panic. Tables go for $3,000, which will be doled out in rubber-banded stacks of bills with small faces on them. It’s 8 grand to sit directly adjacent to the DJ booth, 6 if you used to supply French Montana his monthly quota of lynx furs.

Jenner hasn’t just mastered the wheels of steel--since launching her lifestyle app last year, the youngest of the Kardashian klan has made a name for herself as a premier talent scout, Tyga notwithstanding. Her favorite things at any given time crop up on a section of the app called “Temperature,” which is confusing for those looking for her Sean Paul fan fiction. Kylie’s been an early endorser of RCA signee Leikeli47, chameleonic cherub Lil Yachty, and Kodak Black. (She actually tipped our own Torii MacAdams to the latter during spin class.)

That’s not all: “Glosses,” ostensibly a commercial for her #KylieLipKit™ lip glosses, is actually the year’s grimiest rap video. In it, Kylie drives up to a seedy motel in the middle of the desert in a drop-top Phantom. She applies said gloss in the rearview mirror. Inside the motel, three beautiful women are negotiating a shady-looking deal with shady-looking men while re-applying Kylie Gloss to their already over-glossed lips. Guns are pulled. A man gets thrown through the window into the parking lot; glass shatters in slow motion. Kylie lounges in the driver’s seat of her Phantom. As the women from inside enter the overpriced getaway car, a freeze frame announces the name of the Gloss she’s wearing: “Like” “Literally” “So Cute”.

Speaking of music videos, remember "Stimulated?" Tyga raps about Kylie becoming a “big girl” when she’s stimulated, which would probably be difficult to explain in court. The two have now reportedly split up, which is why all the flags in your neighborhood are at half mast.

This won’t be Kylie’s first paid nightclub appearance. (Sorry, DJ set.) Last August, she was reportedly paid well over $100,000 to celebrate her 18th birthday at a “Beachclub” in Montreal. The plan was to have Kylie “flown into the bash by helicopter, where she'll land on a luxury boat that will dock next to a table flooded in bottles of champagne.” The club added, “She'll also blow out the candles on a $3,000 birthday cake,” which is strange because, like, why wouldn’t you price the other things? If you want everyone in Quebec--and maybe Labrador if you’re ambitious--to think of you as a lavish nightclub, go ahead and drop the hourly rates for the helicopter. We understand.

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