Who Is Your Daddy And What Does He Do?: A Summit Between John McCain and Daddy Yankee

 

Last week reggaeton star, Daddy Yankee and Arizona Senator John McCain met to discuss immigration, education and a possible Yankee endorsement of the Republican candidate for president. While a transcript of the interview has not officially surfaced, my top-secret sources have thankfully provided the details of what transpired during Daddy Yankee and Granddaddy McCain's summit. Int. Secretary John McCain's Washington Office-Early Evening. A knock is heard. John McCain turns off the episode of Wheel of Fortune. McCain: Come in. The door opens, Daddy Yankee enters. McCain: Hello Daddy Yankee. Can I call you daddy? Daddy Yankee: Yo, it's your boy Daddy Yankee, I got this game locked down. McCain: I too enjoy a good game of Monopoly or Clue. An aide whispers in his ear. McCain: And Bible Bombardment. Gotta' appeal to the base. Daddy Yankee: Pump the bass. Move it. Move it. McCain: That's precisely what I've been telling my advisers. The base isn't set in stone. We just need to devise a strategy that can get our point across. If only the media wasn't so in love with Barack. Don't they understand that my energy plan makes the most sense . I'm about lowering the cost of gas now! Daddy Yankee: A ella le gusta la gasolina. McCain: Of course, she does, it's about off-shore drilling, nuclear power, tapping into the US strategic oil reserve. Everyone likes driving their car. When I used to be stationed in Pensacola, Florida as a young naval officer, I used to go cruising to the malt shop with this floozy named Trixie. We necked and necked and necked. Daddy Yankee: Dame mas gasolina. Como encanta la gasolina. McCain: Ha ha. You sound just like George there. Daddy Yankee: I got my heart. I got my balls and enough heart to break y'alls jaws. McCain: Have you ever given any thought to enlisting in the military? We could use a few more thousand people just like you if we're going to be able to secure a peace in Iraq for the next hundred years. Daddy Yankee: I'd rather round out my n---s from Puerto Rico to help me out with this war. McCain: The Army is always recruiting too. Daddy Yankee: Bring it on. Another knock is heard at the door. Cindy McCain enters, pomegranate martini in hand. McCain adviser Carly Fiorina follows her inside the office. McCain: Hello pookie, I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine, a uh...Mr. Daddy Yankee. Cindy McCain: I know who he is. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Yankee. Daddy: You know who I am. I'm your papi, papi, papi, papi. They shake hands, she looks seductively into his eyes. McCain: How did you know who he was? Cindy: C'mon, John. Get with the times. Everyone who's anyone in Washington reads Dub. Daddy Yankee: Daddy suena activa. Con el sandel Caribe. Les mamis se lo vive. Pega y te melato. Cindy(squealing): Ooh, I just love it when he speaks in Spanish. It reminds me of back home. Can I offer you a beer? Daddy Yankee: Tienes medalla? Cindy nods blankly. McCain: Ok, Daddy. Let's talk about big things. Immigration policy. Education. This Ragu-tons thing you were telling me about over the phone. Daddy Yankee: What you know about big things? Chrome wheels own deals. Cindy: See John, this is why you need to read Dub. Daddy Yankee turns to Cindy. Daddy Yankee: Me and you, holding it down. It's all real, come on. Cindy: (blushing) Well, I'm flattered that you think it's all real, but I have had a little work done. Daddy Yankee: Yo lo tengo, whu-whu-what. Mucho carnito ma. El papi lover te lo da. Carly Fiorina turns to Cindy. Carly Fiorina: Did you know that viagra is covered under some health care plans but not birth control? McCain grows flustered and grabs his wife's hand. McCain: Who said anything about viagra? Daddy Yankee turns to Cindy. Daddy Yankee: With a girl like you, you forget the nonsense. We peeps don't give a fuck about the chicos and gossip. McCain: This is positively preposterous, Cindy. Besides, at least I don't plaster on my make-up like a trollop, you cunt. Cindy: There you go with the trollop stuff again. That's it, I've had enough. I'm leaving. She grabs Daddy Yankee's hand. Cindy: C'mon Daddy Yankee, give me the straight talk express. Daddy Yankee takes her hand and shrugs at McCain. Daddy Yankee: I got this game locked down.