The Rap-Up: Cartoon Physics

Anthony Seaman taps in with Nettspend, Zukenee, and others in a warped-out week.

Nettspend, “masked up” (f/ NBA YoungBoy)

On the surface, Nettspend and NBA YoungBoy only share so much in common. Nettspend, the pasty, designer-loving child star of the terminally online, has been doing everything in his power to shred the English language into mere grunts. Since his pre-teen experiments with nu-jerk and rage began infecting TikTok and the New York Times in 2023, his peers have pushed their own fringe fandoms toward the mainstream while Nett has fallen far from the promise of being the Soundcloud Justin Bieber.

Meanwhile, YoungBoy’s path to iconography has been all about blasting above expectations. Since 16, he’s split nearly every waking moment between makeshift home recording studios, maternity wards, or the courthouse, yet still racked up more Billboard charting solo singles by 22 than any artist who’s ever lived.

“masked up” comes to life is when they exploit their few similarities. Each wields an outlaw aura that attracts cultish fanbases rowdy enough to build a protective bubble around their emotional instability, drug dependency, and love of Looney Tunes violence. It’s within this bulletproof dome they screech and electrify one another into their most frenzied forms, listing off customized guns and six-figure cars like a post-apocalyptic EastBay catalog. What we end up with is “Renegade” for IG reels addicts, “2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted” for kids with a crush on Alysa Liu, and the ultimate “Turn that damn noise down!” anthem for parents the world over.

Zukenee, “SGA”

When he’s not foraging the woods for his next come up with a creaking mandolin and longsword in tow, Zukenee’s a dead serious hustler slaying opps like dragons, heating up crack the way a blacksmith does iron ore. He’s also the only rapper working who understands what made Atlanta’s 1017 Brick Squad domination so magical, as he wields the sound for his own use. Copping some Lex Luger type beats and hitting the money, hoes, clothes trifecta in your raps is easy, but what everyone misses is acting nonchalant and following old maps leads nowhere. Gucci Mane was Photoshopped into Buzz Lightyear and Santa costumes on mixtape covers. Waka Flocka was calling himself DuFlocka Rant and riding with Foghorn Leghorn in his Rari. PeeWee Longway’s circular build unlocked his iconic Blue M&M persona. It’s only right that Zukenee leans into being an Emperor of Atlanta’s Dark Age, fiddling with self-aware campiness and earnest creativity on his own time.

Ti Steele, “ROKU CiTY*”

Gleaming around a brick-and-mortar Glo Gang store like a lost garden fairy, Ti Steele makes being broke sound like a gumdrop sweet joyride. An 8th of loud set him back to the point dinner plans are cancelled, but the pre-owned 2008 Honda CRV can take us from here to anywhere in the universe, even the amethyst colored Roku City. Giggling and swooning under the town’s pastel orange streetlights, the sunny piano keys and quick shifting Jersey club kick softens whatever pain the impending overdraft fee could ever cause. The money will come back, but a trip like this is something that’ll keep the group chat buzzing for eternity.

Rico Ace x Esdeekid, “Dope Boyz”

Rico Ace and Esdeekid are too powerful a duo to ever stay separate. Their solo tapes (Esdee’s Rebel and Ace’s Blackjack) are the new standard amongst the UK’s rugged, blown out jerk music, but nothing beats their clashing styles forcing one another into sticky situations. Their Yin Yang interplay and love for flexing works like a charm while an infinite loop of Soulja Boy’s “I’m So Dope Boy” gets gnashed to sand around them. One moment Esdee is forcing Rico to take off his cool and crease his designer sneakers as they dive headfirst into agro depravity, the next, Rico plays the straight man while his Chalamet-impersonating partner spits some rugged Scouse nonsense. On the off chance their descriptions of how the city bends to their will don’t convince you just how dope the are, watch them teleport across a rented mansion, playing poker and smoking a joint the size of 42 Dugg while flexing enough Chrome Hearts to buy a small country. If you’re still unmoved, you’ve come to the wrong website.

ShittyBoyz, “Timeout”

After hearing “my white boy slamming bricks like he Christian Braun,” it’s clearly time for Adam Silver to do the honorable thing and hire Babytron to be the NBA’s first official in-house rapper. Give him carte blanche to do weekly around the league round up’s in the style of Mad Skillz’ “Rap Up” series over the funkiest Detroit scammer beats money can buy. During halftime of ABC’s hallowed Sunday Showcase game, Tron, StanWill, Trdee, and whatever local rapper has some free time would come together to premiere the song and corresponding video in the arena, flanked by cheerleaders and mascots. If I wasn’t already selling plasma to afford League Pass, Amazon Prime, ESPN, and Peacock subscriptions to watch the Bulls break my heart for 82 games, I’d pay the man myself.

Emptying the Chamber